


Ripples

by shrikethrush



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:54:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25844626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrikethrush/pseuds/shrikethrush
Summary: When you die, you meet the five people you impacted the most in your life.At the end of Evan Hansen’s long life, he meets five people.A stranger, a family friend, an ex, an acquaintance, and something that could’ve been.(based on the book ‘the five people you meet in heaven’)
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Original Character(s), Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	Ripples

It wasn’t a bad way to go. Not really. Not as far as bad ways go. It was like going to sleep – probably because going to sleep was the last thing he remembered. 

It was a rainy night, the night he died. The kind of night that reminded him of his little ramshackle town along the Ohio River, built in the 60’s along a floodplain that should never have been cleared for construction. The smell and the sound reminded him of his house built at the bottom of a hill, of night spent with his mother using buckets and towels to try to keep their house from floating away. 

The rhythmic tap-tapping reminded him of home as he was swept away. It reminded him of Parkersburg, of childhood, of home. 

He was old. Old enough that his old worries and anxieties had been replaced by new ones, that he’d fallen into a rhythm and an ebb and flow of insecurity that it was as comfortable as a second skin – meaning that it wasn’t comfortable at all, but it fit him, and it would be weird to not have it. 

He knew something was coming. Knew something was happening. He could feel it, even if his awareness wasn’t necessarily all it used to be. He  _ could  _ call a nurse, theoretically. But it wasn’t really worth it. 

He was old, and barely even the person he once was. His family was doing their best, and they visited him today – they loved him, and he knew that. He knew that he was not alone. 

And that reminder – sad and solemn and hopeful all at once – was right in line with the smell and sound of home as he slipped away, falling asleep. 

***

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday.  _

_ It doesn’t feel like it – even as Zoe wishes him the best, as Jared maybe lets up on his jokes a little bit, as Alana gives him a nod in the hallway – it doesn’t feel like his birthday. Because he’s falling apart, and he knows he’ll be spending the night alone.  _

_ School is a million kinds of terrible. The weight of the lies isn’t heavy, not on its own. But they build and compound with the weight of the expectations of others, of the gazes and stares, of the million side effects that the little lie had begun as. And to balance one weight, he had to add one more – another lie, another expectation, here-and-there-and-here again until it threatened to crush him outright.  _

_ He gave a speech a week ago. A speech that changed his entire world, that changed the way Connor would be remembered forever – _

_ – a speech that was the weight that threatened to crush him.  _

_ “Happy birthday!” The one who wishes it to him is someone that Evan recognizes – she’s Abby, the preppiest girl in the school and the captain of the cheer squad. She’s pretty, popular, and a year ago she wouldn’t have been able to pick him out of a crowd.  _

_ Now she knew his fucking birthday.  _

_ “Thanks!” Evan spoke quickly, quietly, ducking just a little bit as he waved. She faltered for a moment – so quickly that he couldn’t have seen it if he tried – but she gave it another go.  _

_ “If you ever need anything...it was beautiful. Your speech last week. Thank you,” she put so much into those words.  _

_ He didn’t hear it.  _

_ “I – thank you,” his ears blazed. The bell rang again, threatening to make them late – she smiled slightly, something shaky in it – and then she walked away.  _

***

Evan woke up to the smell of sweaty socks and gym shorts. 

He immediately recoiled, something deep in the programing of his being telling him to immediately pull back. He then was aware of other things – of his breathing, of the fact that he felt like a teenager again, of the dirt under his fingernails, of the smoothness of his skin. 

It was like someone had put him in a time machine and rocketed him back in time to the days of high school – complete with the uncomfortable bleachers. 

But weirdly these were empty. For all the decorations of a pep-rally, they were empty. 

“I’ve been expecting you.” Evan turned around so fast he got whiplash, and he nearly fell over. The girl in question reached out to him – her expression one of twisted worry. “Oh, are you okay? I’m so sorry – I didn’t mean to scare you! Do you remember who I am?” 

“...Abby?” 

“You  _ do _ remember!” Her cheeks glowed a soft pink as she clapped her hands, excitement showing. “We went to high school together, remember? Oh, of  _ course _ you do if you remember my name – but I’m just so excited. I’ve waited  _ so long  _ for you.” 

“...Where am I? What’s going on? I –”

“You’re dead. We both are, actually, but this is part of the whole ‘afterlife’ thing. You get to meet five people – five people who you impacted. And they get to tell you things you didn’t know about yourself. And then once you’ve met your five people, you go.” 

“How long have I been dead? And where – where do we go?” 

“You’ve been dead always, but also never? And we go home,” Abby was quiet. “I can’t explain it better than that. But you’re my last. My last person, I mean. I can’t wait to go.” 

“I...I impacted your life? I don’t –”

“Just...let me show you, okay? But don’t freak out. If you freak, I’m  _ totally _ gonna freak,” Abby bit her bottom lip, flipping a bit of blonde hair over her shoulder. 

Their surroundings shifted and changed in an instant. Evan could see this scene – it was one he remembered. But the way he remembered it was from the stage, when he was telling people that they would be found, that they were not alone. 

He didn’t remember it in the back of the auditorium, with a quiet, sobbing girl. 

“Is that –”

“That’s me,” Abby had a soft smile. “I bet you didn’t know this, but I used to have really bad anxiety. And depression, actually.” 

“You? But – but you’re – you’re  _ not a mess!”  _

“Yeah I was,” Abby snorted. “I was always a mess. I mean, I didn’t have friends. Not really. All of them were terrible people who left me to carry projects that were their idea. And I let them because I thought I deserved it and because I really loved them. And that was really dumb of me. I was so lonely, and I thought that nobody could ever like me because I’m just that annoying cheer girl, y’know? I’m weird. I’m ‘peppy’. Even you thought it, I’m sure. With my makeup and pink clothes and cheer uniform, what else would you have thought?” 

“That’s awful,” Evan ignored the pit stewing in his gut. “But what do I have to do with it?” 

“Your speech...it helped me. The entire Connor Project changed the trajectory of my life.” Abby shrugged a little bit, her unhealthily slender shoulders bouncing with her hair. “I started making different friends and reached out to people online. I discovered that I  _ love  _ blogging – writing and sharing ideas is something I’m passionate about. I fell down the rabbit hole of writing, research, and all that. I became a global journalist who fought for women’s rights. I helped establish relief for single mothers in fourteen countries. I even managed to meet and fall in love with my wife, Dawn, because of a foreign language class I took in college because I wanted to be able to reach out to people because of  _ your  _ speech. It changed everything for me.” 

“It was all a lie, I – I was never Connor’s friend. He never found me. I was...a  _ terrible _ person.” 

“I know that,” Abby snorted. “Of course I know that. He was my second. A big part of me resents you for it. For lying about this big thing that changed my entire life. The other part of me says that it didn’t matter what or why you said so much as it matters that you inspired me to be someone better, and I’ll always appreciate that.” 

“Did your high school friends ever apologize?” 

“Nope,” Abby’s expression turned downcast. “They didn’t like the person I was becoming. It hurt a lot. I really could’ve used a friend.” 

“I’m sorry, I wish I’d been –”

“Don’t worry about it, okay?” Abby smiled softly. “I didn’t see your problems, you didn’t see mine, if we look back on it we’re both gonna just end up sad and pathetic here until our time runs out.” 

“How...how did you die, anyway?” 

“I got sick and couldn’t pay my medical bills.” Abby’s expression turned sour. “All these big corporations were willing to pay me millions of dollars to help with my charity because it got them tax write offs, but nobody was willing to help a poor old woman when she ended up dying in the hospital.” 

“That’s...awful,” Evan couldn’t help but recoil. 

“That’s life,” Abby shrugged. “I got to help some people with mine, and do what I love. I think that’s what matters. But what about you? What did you end up doing?” 

“Trees.” 

“Trees?” Abby bit back a laugh, her nose wrinkling ever so slightly. “Who was surprised that  _ Evan Hansen  _ grew up to do...trees.” 

“I taught about them, mostly,” Evan flushed red. “I – I mean like, apparently I was a decent public speaker. And I really,  _ really  _ love trees. So I decided I should combine those things and like – talk trees. And I did! And it was...really great for a long time.” 

“And then it wasn’t.” 

“And then it wasn’t!” Evan huffed. “It wasn’t enough. And I don’t know why.” 

“You did something you loved,” Abby shrugged. “But you didn’t do what you’re passionate about. But that may’ve worked out better for you – those who do what they’re passionate about can lose themselves in it. That’s what happened to me. Sometimes it caused a divide between my wife and me. We loved each other, and we always will – but it was always something that made it complicated. But we talked about it, and learned to deal with it.” 

Abby closed her eyes again, and in an instant they found themselves on a dusty road. At the end was a ramshackle house – it was old, and perhaps a little worn down, but well cared for and well loved. There was a garden, and two women were working it together. On closer inspection one of them was Abby and the other was one that Evan didn’t recognize. 

“We lived here for years. I was traveling a lot, but she always came with me. We were happy, I think. Or at least the closest approximation to happy that exists in the real world. This is home. I can’t wait to see her again. To see all of this.” 

“Is that what happens after our fifth person? We live in our happiest memories?” 

“I don’t know,” Abby pressed her lips together. “Nobody does, not really. But the not-knowing almost makes it more exciting, don’t you think? Because it forces us to live in this moment, not in the one that’s coming later down the road.” 

There was a shift. The air got a little sharper, and Abby’s eyes became a little clearer – something was changing. 

“It’s time for me to go,” she smiled. Her smile was everything Evan remembered it being in high school – perhaps a little melancholic, but wide and dazzling in that way that drew every eye to it. She always had a hell of a stage presence, and it had only been magnified by time. “I can feel it. Can you? It’s – it’s  _ home.” _

In an instant, Abby was gone. Evan closed his eyes. 

***

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday.  _

_ He’s seven, and the party is sorta fun. It started out fun, at least. Because that was before all the people got there, and he had Jared and all his new games.  _

_ But then people had come – more people, anyway. People who wanted to talk to him, who were going to judge him for being too quiet or too small or too much.  _

_ And he didn’t want to kick up a fuss – his mom was acting so weird, she didn’t need anything else. But he was going to lose it if he stayed out here with all these colors and noises and – _

_ – someone grabbed his hand. He looks over and it’s Jared – Jared who lights up with a smile and tugs him into his room. He pulls him under the bed, where he pulls out a little wrapped box.  _

_ “Mommy said to put this on the gift table, but I wanted to give it to you myself.” Jared looks so proud of himself there – with his little wrapped gift and his friend all to himself. “I picked it out. Open it!”  _

_ Evan does so immediately, the colorful wrapping falling to the floor. His expression immediately lights up. “Oh my gosh!” He starts babbling incoherently, because this is the game he’d wanted for so long – Pokemon Black! “Thank you Jared!”  _

_ “Let’s start it together!” Jared smiles, and Evan smiles back, his nose wrinkling ever so slightly as he does.  _

_ The room is dark, but it doesn’t matter as his DS lights up their faces, playing a dumb Pokemon game under the bed as a birthday party went on outside without the birthday boy in question.  _

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday, and he’s happy.  _

***

Evan wakes up in an arcade. 

It’s an old one – one he doesn’t really recognize, but seems to be fresh out of some nerd’s dreams. The carpet seems to have a space theme, orange and purple planets printed into the surface, and the rest of the sprawling building seems to follow suit – stars painted across the walls and hanging from the ceiling, each of the games having a distinct sci-fi bend. 

The smell of greasy pizza and popcorn floats through the air, the food itself unseen. There’s a looping music that sounds like it belongs in some kind of overworld – it’s all 8-bit and hits Ev with a peculiar nostalgia. 

He’s older now. Probably around college age, not that it makes a huge difference. 

He hears a hiss and finds himself drifting towards the DDR style games – and there he is. 

He’s older than Evan remembers. But that’s probably to be expected – it had been since high school, really, and the entire thing had been messy. 

“I’m not surprised it’s you,” Jared didn’t even turn around, his feet tap-tapping against the colored arrows on the ground with unbelievable speed – he was leaning back on his arms, no weight in them as they zoomed around, hitting combos that Evan wouldn’t have deemed possible if he weren’t watching. “I figured we’d meet again here. Once I figured out the system. You’re my third.” 

“You’re my second.” Evan stepped up beside Jared once the song ended, and Jared picked a much more simple one this time – the two of them started playing. Evan was a bit more clumsy than Jared, but Jared probably had experience. Probably had been waiting for him here for a little while, or had spend a lot of time here in life. 

“So we’re gonna talk about it, right? The ‘family friends’, the Connor Project, the – everything?” 

“I moved past it, honestly. We just didn’t meet up again because I was too awkward and shy to say sorry,” Evan shrugged with a wince. 

“Yeah, me too,” Jared snorted. “College turned out to be  _ the shit.  _ Apparently it’s cool to be really into arcades and retro games and shit? My attitude needed checked but honestly that was true through all of high school so I just needed to grow the fuck up. My QPP helped me figure things out a lot. But they were just...the best.” 

“QPP?”

“Queer platonic partner. I realized I was aroace in college, and when I met Izzy we just sorta...hit it off. A QPR is like...like a friendship, but also not. Like being in a relationship, but without any of the romance. And it was part of what I needed – also like,  _ lots _ of therapy. A support system helped. And then I realized I was really shitty because I was part of your support system until I decided to be an ass.” 

“I wasn’t exactly a good friend either,” Evan huffed as he continued to try to keep up with Jared, who was flying through the song with minimal difficulty. “I mean, faking emails? And the whole fight at the end of things...I really used you. I’m sorry.” 

“I started it. Car insurance, ‘family friends’ – it was all bullshit.” 

“Yeah. Lots of bullshit.” 

“So...what did you end up doing? Trees?” 

“Trees.” 

“Sweet. I ended up doing computers.” 

“Did you end up with a family?” 

“I had a dog or two. And a cat! His name was Cosmo and I love him. And I had Izzy, who ended up renting an apartment with me. We just sorta...lived. And then one day we got old and we stopped. They ended up dying first – I want to see them again. I just want...I want to go home.” 

“I don’t think I have anyone I want to go back to,” Evan confessed. “I love my family, and I miss my mom...but I don’t know what I want. I just know I want it, more than I’ve ever wanted anything.” 

“Rest, I’d guess. You probably never had a proper day off in your life,” Jared sighed. “You convinced yourself that you had to be  _ on  _ at all times. You had to be someone for your Mom, for me, for everyone in your life. But you were never you for  _ you.  _ Find that person. Maybe that’s what your journey’s all about, same way mine is all about seeking forgiveness.” 

“There are more people you need forgiveness  _ from?” _

“No. I also need to forgive some people,” Jared confessed. He picked another song and started picking up the pace again. “My parents, who spent so much time away that they never knew me and then once they decided they wanted to they wanted me to be a certain person. I also needed to talk to – well, ask forgiveness from – y’know.  _ Him.” _

Evan’s blood ran cold. 

“He’s here? Well, of course he’s here. You talked to him?” 

“I did.” Jared was quiet. “You’re probably going to as well. You know that, right?” 

“I’m not ready,” Evan murmured. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be. I ruined his memory. I hurt his family  _ so much.”  _

“You helped them, too. He understands that, in his own way. But...let’s not worry about that, okay? Let’s play dumb games and bond the same way we did when we were kids. This may be the only chance we ever get to play in a literal  _ heaven arcade.  _ Let’s make the most of it!” 

They did. It was like something out of the high school experience they never had – running from game to game in an excitable blur, pointing out dumb inside jokes and making stupid space puns. 

It’s  _ perfect.  _ It’s Evan and Jared and a perfect day at the arcade. 

They’re eating pizza when something shifts in the air again – it’s clearer this time, the smell of artificial cheese and dust dissipating into the smell of fresh cut grass or an open field. 

“It’s time to go, isn’t it?” Evan’s voice is quiet, resigned. 

“It is. But we’ve got this, right?” Jared smiles, all lopsided and with too many teeth. It’s exactly the kind of smile he’d have been too scared to give in high school but was flashing like it was nothing here – the kind of smile that reminded Evan that they were dead and ‘moving on’ or whatever. 

“Right!” Evan says, and he actually  _ believes it.  _ Believes that it’s going to be okay, that he’s going to make it through this and be okay. 

“See you on the other side,” Jared winks, and in an instant, he’s gone. 

Evan closes his eyes. 

***

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday.  _

_ He’s in college, finally. He almost forgot it was his birthday, except for the funny little text his mom had sent him that morning.  _

_ The days and nights were blending together. So were the different days of the week. Everything was moving at a speed Evan couldn’t keep up with, but today he decided to let himself breathe.  _

_ Last weekend he let his friends drag him to an amusement park. It was actually fun, somehow, strangely. But today wasn’t for that kind of thing.  _

_ Today he laid in bed, his head spinning as something flared behind his eyes. Something writhed in his stomach, threatening to burst out of him.  _

_ He’s happy. He knows he is. He’s got friends, he’s in college, he’s moved on.  _

_ But he wants so badly to go home today. Even if he doesn’t know where home is, or what home is, or how he’s supposed to get there.  _

_ He just knows he wants it, this perfect place he’s never been. He wants it so badly he could burst.  _

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday, and he spends it alone.  _

***

Evan knows where he is. 

He wakes up in a familiar teacup – the smell of old buttered popcorn and cotton candy floats through the air. Rides tower above him, roller coasters that have seen better days built sky high as the smell of chocolate at last reaches his nose. 

It’s Hershey Park, the dumb theme park he came to in college. He’d spent so much time here with his friends, riding the rides and goofing off and even once or twice seeing a show – it was nostalgic to see it now. 

“So you’re my next?” Zoe Murphy is standing in front of him, looking exactly the way he remembered. Her hands are on her hips and her expression is tired, but she smiles dully. “How are you doing, Evan?” 

“Baffled, a little emotionally tired, but pretty much okay.” 

“Yeah, that sums it up, doesn’t it?” Zoe’s laugh was a little bitter but mostly light. “Wanna run around this theme park and eat unhealthy food while we talk out our problems?” 

“Hell yeah,” Evan cracks a smile. “It’s literally called Hershey Park, we – we can’t  _ not.”  _

“So this is a you place?” 

“College. My friends and I used to come here all the time, Della had a friends and family discount that she let us use because she did one of their shows. We spent like, all our weekends here.” 

“That sounds like it was fun,” Zoe smiled at him as they walked past an empty roller coaster. “I wound up in physics, just like I thought I would.” 

“Did you end up with a family?” 

“Yep. And a lot of dogs – I even named one of them after Connor. It just...fit. Your lie...it was really,  _ really  _ fucked up. But it helped me realize when I was older that even if I had a lot of less than good feelings about my brother, it was still okay to miss what could’ve been, y’know?” 

“I’m sorry about that. I never stopped being sorry about that,” Evan scuffed the toe of his shoe against the ground as he spoke, feeling it do that drag-and-bounce that reminded him a bit of a rubber ball. “I just – I started and I couldn’t stop and I didn’t know how to fix it without things getting weird and so I just kept it going, and then by the time it got too big I just – it was awful. And I’m still sorry. And I think I’ll always be.” 

“I...have a lot of feelings. About you. And this. Because it was really screwed up. But also...it helped. So I can’t say that I’m sad you did it? Even though I think there’s a part of me that resents you for it. It helped me accept things, but it also made me go through mourning him...like, twice. I wish I could talk to him about it. About the lie, about the way we were as kids. I wish he’d grown up so we could talk about it years down the line and both be more mature than we were back then.” 

Zoe tugged him toward the ferris wheel – the sky had gotten dark at some point, and it was alight with a million tiny bulbs. 

“Wanna go? It’s been forever since I’ve gotten to see the stars from the top of a ferris wheel, and it’s always been my favorite part of...any of this.” 

“Sounds fun to me.” 

They got in, seeing as there was no line, and they started moving skyward. 

“If you end up being in the place after all this...assuming there  _ is a place after this... _ and like, no pressure if you don’t want to, and it doesn’t mean you need to stop being mad, but like...wanna try being friends again? Because all the other weird stuff aside...I liked being your friend. You were fun to be around.” Evan tried his best to not tug at the edge of his shirt, but he really,  _ really  _ wanted to. 

“I think...I think I’d like that. But not because the lie, or because of  _ Connor,  _ or for any other reason. I just want us to try being friends. Cool?” 

“The coolest,” Evan cracked a smile. 

They reached the peak of the ferris wheel. For a moment, they looked up at the stars together – looked up and saw the constellations painting a picture across the sky. 

And then Evan closed his eyes. 

***

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday.  _

_ He’d watched the clock tick and turn over to midnight. He felt a little rebellious, staying up this late when he was only in seventh grade – but then, he’d started doing that more lately. Staying up later, getting less sleep.  _

_ He didn’t like sleeping. Sleeping leads to dreams which more often than not leads to nightmares. And he was not a fan of those.  _

_ He’d started by playing video games a little later than he was supposed to – Pokemon until ten, eleven at night. Then he’d started using his phone to watch YouTube until odd hours of the morning. Sometimes he’d read, sometimes he’d watch a documentary, often he’d get little to no sleep.  _

_ But it was okay, because at least he had a distraction while he was not-sleeping instead of when he was a kid, where he willed himself to stay awake and the thoughts of all the things he’d done wrong or would do wrong would float through his head with reckless abandon. He often would find himself failing to stay awake at around the three hour mark and would find his dreams worse than they would’ve been if he had just gone to sleep without letting his thoughts stew.  _

_ His stomach feels upset. It always does that when his anxiety gets bad – sometimes it screws with his diet, because he’s too anxious about school to eat breakfast, he’s too anxious during school to eat during school, and then at dinner he’s so hungry that he probably eats way too much.  _

_ It’s a mess, but then, so is Evan Hansen. Who probably needs help but doesn’t know who or how to ask, so instead he watches tree videos until three in the morning so he doesn’t have to be alone in his own mind.  _

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday, and this year he can’t think of anything but the fact that time will march on mercilessly with or without him.  _

***

It’s a library this time. It comes complete with the smell of dust and old books, the weird blue-green-grey carpeting that seems to permeate all of the community libraries that Evan’s ever been in, and the fluorescent lighting that seems like it would quit at any moment. 

It feels like somewhere Evan’s been before, once or twice. Not somewhere he knows well, but somewhere he knows. 

“I used to come here all the time as a kid,” Alana was behind him. She was reading at a table. “It was my favorite place to come and hide from...everything.” 

“Libraries are the best,” Evan agreed. “Though I never came to this one, I don’t think. I always went to the one by my house.” 

“This one was right near the elementary school, I used to walk when I was younger. And then in middle school they had the bus that would come here, and in high school I always found a way to get a ride. I came here after school every single day from the time I was in second grade. And then over the weekends I’d always do my best to go to my grandmother’s – she always made the best cookies, and she had a book collection that rivaled this one.” 

“I didn’t know that,” Evan was quiet, sliding into the seat across from Alana. “You liked books a lot?” 

“I liked books better than I liked being at home, or alone with my own thoughts. They were safe, they were an escape, they made me feel like I was doing something worth my time. I figured they probably were something that helped a lot of other people, too. That’s why I became a librarian.” 

“I always wondered what you became when I didn’t see you pop up on TV for like, elections and stuff,” Evan smiled, and Alana did the same. 

“I tried politics out, found I didn’t like it. Apparently there’s like, even  _ more  _ moral corruption involved than we thought? So very much not my thing.” 

Evan made a face. “Glad that’s not my problem anymore.” 

“Yeah, same. Especially with the way that last presidential election was going – did you  _ see?” _

“How could I not?” Evan snorted. “A mess on all accounts.” 

“You probably went into something relating to environmental science, right?” 

“I did trees,” Evan scoffed, because he felt like he was repeating that for the millionth time. 

“Figures you’d end up doing trees. That sounds like a very Evan Hansen thing to do,” Alana’s smile was as dazzling and unreal as Evan remembered. 

“Did you end up with a family?” 

“Not a traditional one. But I got the kind that matters, and that’s what mattered to me. We were all friends – there were five of us, and we ended up buying a house together and adopting a couple kids. It was...really great. I really really liked it.” 

“I’m glad you were happy.” 

“I am too,” Alana smiled again. This time it felt more realistic, more like a real person’s smile instead of a crumpled copy of something that wasn’t real. “I always wondered what happened to you after high school. We were such close acquaintances for such a long time that I couldn’t help but wonder. Especially since we left on such a sour note. You were probably struggling, same as I was, but different. It’s always difficult figuring yourself out.” 

“High school sucks for everyone, no matter who you are or what other people think of you.” Evan ran his fingers across the cover of a worn book. “So, what are you reading?” 

“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. It’s a comfort book,” she explained. “Did you read them as a kid?” 

“What kind of person didn’t?” Evan rolled his eyes. “What house are you?” 

“Gryffindor,” Alana puffed up with pride. “Determination and courage...I always wanted to emulate that. You?” 

“Slytherin,” Evan shrugged. “Ambition and cunning. It...very much checks out. Especially with the stuff I did in high school.” 

“You were a kid. We were all kids. And we were dealing with something of tremendous emotional weight. You didn’t handle it well, and while that wasn’t okay, I don’t think we can hold it against you for the rest of your life. That wouldn’t be right. Especially since I can tell you’ve beat yourself up for it over and over and over again.” 

“Anxiety’s a bitch.” 

“Anxiety  _ is  _ a bitch,” Alana agreed with surprising intensity. “Trust me – I get it.” 

“...do you have any books you’d recommend?” 

“Try  _ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. _ It’s a nice, fun, light read. You’d enjoy it. Any recommendations for me?” 

“Did you ever read  _ The Iron Trial?  _ I enjoyed it a lot as a kid – a lot like Harry Potter in some ways, but different too. Kick ass writing. You’d like it.” 

“I’ll give it a shot.” 

“I...I’ll give your recommendation a shot, too!” 

And they did. They read in silence, every now and again picking up a conversation in reference to this or that line of dialogue or particularly fascinating metaphor before trailing off again. 

They both finished their books – Alana had actually managed to get to the second or third in the series, but Evan was not nearly so fast a reader – and the winds changed again. 

Evan closed his eyes. 

***

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday.  _

_ He’s older, and surrounded by family. Nothing could make him happier.  _

_ He feels loved. He feels appreciated.  _

_ Somehow, impossibly, he feels almost whole.  _

_ Guilt still lingers in the pit of his stomach. It clings to the insides of his lungs and his ribs and it sort of feels like it always will.  _

_ He blows out the candles on his cake, and the people around him cheer.  _

_ It’s Evan Hansen’s birthday, and he’s happy.  _

***

Evan opens his eyes, and  _ oh.  _ The lights flicker the way he remembered, the tile is the same washed-out white he remembered. 

“Hiya, _ old friend.” _ his voice was exactly the way Evan remembered it. He had never really spoken to him much, but that voice had rung clear in his ears so many times that he could recognize it anywhere. 

Evan spun around – and there he was. He looked the same as always, with that beat-up hoodie and scuffed combat boots, but different, too. He was Evan’s last person, same as Evan was his. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Evan gave a small, broken smile. “I’m Evan Hansen. Who’re you?” 

“Are we really playing this game?” Those same boots click-clacked against the floor of the computer lab, his tone challenging. “Because at this rate, I’d guess you want a repeat performance – although I had a long, drawn-out conversation with  _ your  _ old therapist about how that wasn’t at all possible. She was my first conversation – I spent like, half of it convinced it was the weirdest trip I’ve  _ ever  _ had. Nope! Turns out I’m just dead. Funny thing – I had to  _ literally die  _ in order to get some fucking therapy. Pretty messed up, huh?” 

Evan didn’t move. His cast was blank, as was his expression. He wasn’t sure how to respond. 

“Look, Hansen. I don’t like you. I don’t dislike you. I don’t  _ know  _ you. That’s like, our entire fucking  _ thing.  _ But I just talked to four people – including  _ your mother  _ – about the impact I had on your life. So you can’t honestly have  _ nothing _ to say to me.” 

“You’re allowed to hate me,” Evan was quiet. “If  _ I _ were you, I’d hate me. You don’t need to personally know me to know I did some really messed up things to you – to your memory. You have every right to hate me for that.” 

“I don’t.” His voice was quiet, and he was really quite close to Evan’s personal space – he could reach out and push Evan, if he wanted to. This time, he didn’t. “Sometimes your brain makes you do fucked up stuff, or convinces you that fucked up stuff is okay. Like getting high in your car to ignore the pit in your chest, or banging on your sister’s door and threatening to kill her. And that doesn’t make any of it okay. But people do dumb things when they’re hurting. Out of everyone you’ve talked to, I probably know that best.” 

“Zo knows it pretty well too,” Evan joked, something awkward making its way into her voice. “Apparently she joined a screamo band after finding out what I did because she needed an outlet for her anger.” 

He recoiled. “Eugh, that  _ is  _ a dumb thing she did while she was hurting. You...got to talk to her? She was okay?” 

“She was,” Evan smiled. “She named her dog after you. She...she didn’t really like you much when you were kids. Since you were...y’know. But she grew up, and she...she missed you.” 

“Wherever we go after this...I really hope she’s there. I have a lot of things to say to her. The first one being sorry.” 

“Speaking of the place after this...I think I’m ready to go,” Evan murmured, picking at the cast. “Are you?” 

“One more thing,” he reached into his black hoodie, fumbling around before his fingers curled around what he was looking for – a Sharpie. 

He signed his name slowly. Much slower than last time, actually – it had been so long since he’d last signed his name that he had nearly forgotten how to hold the pen in his hand. 

He stood back, taking a look at his handiwork. It was messy, but it was  _ him.  _ In a way it hadn’t been last time, and maybe never had been when he signed his name before. 

“Almost makes you wonder what could’ve been?” He huffed, something sad in his voice. “If your dumb tree story had been true, and I found you that day, or we’d been friends. Maybe I would’ve made it through high school.” 

“Maybe I wouldn’t have hurt so many people along the way,” Evan was quiet. 

“Don’t sweat it,” his voice was as sardonic as his smile. “It only gave hope to hundreds of people and saved my parents and sister while they were losing themselves from my dumb, terrible choice.” 

“It wasn’t a good thing – you dying, I mean. Or me lying.” 

“I know,” He stuffed his foot along the floor. “I just...don’t really want to reflect on that. Because I think I’ll go crazy if I do. If I let myself stew in regret too much, I’ll lose myself in it. I don’t want that.” 

He spun on his heel, walking away from Evan and reaching for the door out of the room. He turned for a moment, something tugging at his lips. 

“See you on the other side, Hansen.” 

He waved, and he ducked out the door – something in the air changed, and he was gone. 

Now it was Evan, the laptop, and his cast. 

Evan knew he could go now – he could go to wherever he was supposed to go next. But he wasn’t ready. Not yet. 

_ Dear Evan Hansen – _

_ Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why –  _

_ – you know who you are. Who you’ve always been, really.  _

_ And you finally got to say it. All the apologies you had to fight to the surface through anxiety, all the things that barriers like death and time prevented you from ever putting out into the world – you got to say them.  _

_ For the first time in years, I can breathe again. Because I am forgiven.  _

_ And maybe that means I can forgive, too. I can look in the eyes the people who hurt me, and I can say ‘I understand. I will not let you do it again, but you were hurting and I understand.’  _

_ I am whole. I am enough. I understand.  _

_ And maybe  _ that’s _ enough.  _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Me.  _

Evan finished his letter, not bothering to print it or even save it. There wasn’t a reason to, not really. 

He stood up straight, closing his eyes and taking one last deep breath. 

He cracked the door open, and his chest was flooded with warmth. 

_ Oh.  _

_ I’m home.  _


End file.
